[Dating Papers]

So I took the plunge. I signed up, I met someone and I want my $35 back.

I was really skeptical about this whole adventure from the get-go and

I should’ve gone with my gut.

The guy I met seemed very cool (don’t they all?), we had a lot in

common and overall, he didn’t misrepresent himself… except for the

profile portion where it says “looking for”. Instead of “a date”, he

should have specified “someone to commiserate with me over my recent

and devastating break-up”. Fun times, right?

I think I learned more about “Lizzie” on our first date than I did

about him. Being the sensitive (some could say ’stupid’) person I am,

I sympathized, changed the subject and went on a second date. In

between, all our phone conversations may as well have been three-way

calling because Lizzie was alive and well during every single one.

For example: I ask, “Have you read the DaVinci Code?” He responds, “I

listened to it on tape when Lizzie and I were on a bus one time.” I’m

still wondering how that comment is relevant. Never mind the fact that

he was very open in sharing the 100 some-odd photos he had of Lizzie

stored on his computer incase I wanted to get a clear mental picture

for further reference. Lizzie’s birthday, Lizzie’s Halloween costume,

Lizzie picking apples. Lizzie also had music playlists dedicated to

her demise. My personal favorite? “Missing Lizzie”.

Oh wait, there’s more. On our next date, when the waitress offered me

something chocolate for dessert, I casually commented that I didn’t

like chocolate and he quickly interjected that Lizzie absolutely loved

chocolate. How does one respond to that?

Here’s how … suspend membership.

I went out on a Jdate that was wrong from the get go. We spoke a few times on the phone

and decided to meet for dinner. She picked the place for dinner. Not wanting to be late

I gave myself plenty of time because I was from Ma. and she was from R.I. I arrived about

15 minutes early and waited and waited and waited. After she was 15 minutes late I new

something was wrong. Assuming the worst I figured I had the wrong restaurant. So I called

her place and left a message where I was. After waiting another 15 minutes I started walking around looking in the neighboring restaurants. After 45 minutes ready to call it a night I find her sitting at a bar. I recognized her face from her picture but she wasn’t the tiny little girl in the picture. We had dinner and then I called it a night.