[Dating Papers]

I’ve mentioned this before, but my mother has been sending me stuff for the last few weeks. The stuff consists of all the things I left in her care when I went away for grad school. I did not have my childhood room preserved in amber. I moved to the dorms when I was 16; Mom moved to a houseboat the next year. Because her new place was so much smaller than the old place, I had to get all of my stuff out. And I did.

A few years later, Grandma died and I asked for her china. Mom agreed to keep it for me. I moved to NC and I left a few other things with Mom. Recently, without asking me, she started sending me the things.

First came the dishes. Then came a couple of books that are in her field but that are of interest to me too. I didn’t ask for them and I hardly need more books, but it’s fine. They are good books to have. Then the stamps. I had a small stamp collection as a kid (all cancelled stamps). I thought they were long gone until they showed up in the mail. I shipped them back to Seattle because my friend Amanda’s son said he wanted them. And, finally, the painting.

A few years ago, as a birthday present, Mom sent me two paintings and the one she just shipped goes with them–the style and subjects are similar.

These are the two small paintings:

This one used to hang in my childhood room

A week ago Sunday, Mom sent me an angry email telling me I should write her a thank you note and saying she didn’t need my guilt. How was I to respond? I usually fall on my sword when I get an email like that from Mom, but if I did that, she’d just say I was playing the guilt card. So I was honest about how I wasn’t thrilled to be receiving all the stuff, but that I would get around to showing her the appropriate appreciation if she would give me some time. She didn’t take that well. Here is part of her response:

I have trouble with the contrasts in our lives at your age, and what I perceive in you as self-absorption. It is nobody’s fault that I had a lot of responsibilities when I was in my 30s. I am not proud of that feeling, but it is just there.

You are an admirable person and have sufficient social conscience. it’s too bad you don’t like me more. I need more positive feedback. Presumably you do too, and I am not giving you that.

What huh?

My response was to tell her that it made me sad that she thought I didn’t like her and that it wasn’t true. Also that she was sending me things on her timetable, not mine, and I needed a chance to catch up. She finally got it and wrote an understanding message–one promising patience. We haven’t spoken on the phone yet, but I’m not dreading it. I assume I need to make the first call.

I wondered, is this really all about the painting? I answered myself (perhaps Mom is not the only crazy one), that it’s not really about that. It’s about the blog.

You may recall that I set up a “mom-safe” blog back in January for my movie-related writing (no, I haven’t been posting there). I sent Mom the URL. She was annoyed that I didn’t share the “real” blog with her, so she waited a few days to check out the movie blog. When she did, she found a link to my blogger profile (which I had removed). She clicked through, found Grateful dating, and read a TON of it. She even left a comment on this post (is it a coincidence that the title of the post is ‘all movies, all the time’?). Then she called me up and told me she’d read it. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I madly loaded the site and hunted and hunted for the profile link. I’d commented it out on the template, but I went back and deleted it. I IM’d a friend while I was on the phone with Mom and asked him to tell me if he could see the profile link. Neither of us could find it. That damn link only showed up so that Mom could see it. And, when she found it, she took it as my tacit approval to read the blog. Oh, the little lies we tell ourselves.

Mom seemed to like the blog, which was good, but I was too stunned to say much to her.

Later that day, she sent me a note and said that if I didn’t want her to read the blog, she wouldn’t. I responded that I was ambivalent about it, but if she could stop reading for the time being, I would appreciate it. And we didn’t mention it again.

I can only think, though, that her recent burst of anger is related to the blog. Not the content of the blog–she knows most everything that is going on with me–a good deal more, in fact, than I write about—but the fact of the blog. The fact that I have a whole life that has nothing to do with her.

The last time we had a fight where she accused me of not liking her and claimed not to like me (which is really the height of absurdity), the trigger was a boy. I’d come to Seattle for a visit, the primary purpose of which was to see a guy–Owen, the one I met at New Year’s Eve. We’d stayed in touch and I’d seen him on one other Seattle visit. He did not ask me to come, but I have my mom there and my friends, and, well, there is always a good reason for me to go to Seattle.

But Mom kind of freaked out. She got angry at me. She felt put upon. It’s not like I didn’t spend the majority of my time there with her. But prioritizing someone else–it was too much.

Another line in the email above (not included) says that I, “should not expect automatic hospitality with [mom] at [my] convenience”? What does that have to do with the damn picture? Nothing. It has to do with the visit I made many years ago that was not primarily to see her. And by extention, not prioritizing her. After her freak out those many years ago, I’ve been ultra conscientious on each visit home . I let Mom know in as far as advance as possible when I’m planning to see my friends–and I try to make plans with Mom first and schedule friend time around her. So, I’ve been good. I haven’t always been Mary Sunshine when I’m home (or when she’s here), but you really can’t accuse me of being inconsiderate.

It didn’t occur to me at first because I was so busy being offended at being called “self-absorbed,” but maybe Mom is jealous. That seems crazy. First, I have plenty of responsibilities–and shouldn’t she know that? Our lives are rather similar. She had everything I have and more. She had a husband and a kid. A career, a house, a car and a two dogs at my age. A few years later, she didn’t have the husband or the dogs, but she had all the rest. I want all those things. I can’t tell you why I don’t have a husband, a kid or dogs, but it’s not because I’m self-absorbed. It’s not for lack of wanting. Or trying.

Of course she still has me, no matter what, forever, no matter how hard she tries to send me away. I just wish she would stop trying so hard.

I do think things have settled out between us, at least for the time being. Our fights are less frequent and of lower intensity these days, which is certainly something to be grateful for.

For your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures of the new painting and its companions.

My wall before hanging the new painting

The box with the painting (and my new boots to the right)

Unpacked

Tabitha likes boxes

The wall with the new painting

Another view–The picture on the far left, which is a framed batik, also hung in my childhood room. When I moved to my first apartment, I didn’t ask for it, I just took it.

Grateful for: my new painting.

Drop me a line.

Sometimes a weekend getaway is just what a couple needs to reestablish their relationship and make a new connection.  Making this weekend getaway a romantic adventure can further enhance the benefits of the getaway.  Engaging in adventurous activity can have the affect of drawing the couple closer together.  Try finding an activity that is new to both of you and you will be able to bond while tackling new challenges and adventures.  A romantic adventure may include exploring a new location, enjoying the outdoors or taking flight in a hot air balloon or glider.  Whatever option you choose, a romantic adventure is sure to rejuvenate your relationship.

Travel can be a romantic and adventurous way for a couple to get away for the weekend and put some spark back into their relationship.  Exploring new locations whether they are exotic or domestic allows a couple an opportunity to learn and discover together.  If you live relatively close to another country you may have the chance to visit another country for the weekend and learn about different cultures, foods and people.  If exploring a new country is not possible, do not be deterred.  Exploring a new city can be just as fun.  There may be many cities close by that you and your partner have either never visited or visited only briefly.  Even spending a day or two in a new city can be an enlightening adventure.  If you truly immerse yourself in a nearby city and take the opportunity to visit local restaurants and shops you are bound to notice that although the city may be very near in proximity to your own city, it has its own vibe about it.  The culture of a city is driven by its residents so visiting a new area is often a chance for you and your partner to enjoy a new adventure together.  Travel, whether it is domestic or international is a wonderful opportunity for a couple to enjoy a romantic weekend adventure.

Enjoying the outdoors is another way for a couple to share a weekend romantic adventure.  Taking a backpacking trip is an excellent way for a couple to reconnect.  While spending a few nights in isolation in the wilderness without distractions such as televisions and restaurants a couple really has an opportunity to talk and catch up on their relationship.  All too often a couple falls into a rut of eating out and then returning home to watch television and go to bed but a backpacking trip may be just what a couple needs to put the spark back in their relationship.  Backpacking allows a couple the opportunity to work together to prepare their meals using simplistic equipment and to have only each other to occupy their time is an excellent weekend romantic adventure idea.  While backpacking may be a simple activity, the adventuresome and romantic aspects exist making this activity and excellent weekend getaway activity for a couple.

Doing something completely new to both of you such as a hot air balloon or glider ride can also be an excellent weekend romantic adventure idea for a couple.  These activities can often be done right in your own city and give you the opportunity to view your city from a completely different perspective.  From a high elevation, you have the opportunity to look down on your city and realize how truly small it is.  While you may spend your days running errands and scurrying from place to place, viewing your hometown from such a high elevation gives you a new perspective on things.  Additionally, these activities can induce a sense of fear which may bring you and your partner together.  While the activity may be completely safe, the fear of the unknown can have the affect of drawing you and your partner closer together.  A hot air balloon or glider ride is one way for a couple to enjoy a weekend romantic adventure that doesn’t have to take up their entire weekend but will draw them closer together and will give them a new perspective on their approach to life.

There are many weekend romantic adventure ideas that can draw a couple closer together.  The idea of this type of adventure is to find a new activity that both of you will enjoy.  The excitement of engaging in a new activity coupled with the closeness that you gain from spending time together is the recipe for a successful weekend romantic adventure idea.

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A relationship coach is an expert who literally becomes a part of your relationship for a short time and during that time they evaluate your relationship, act as a visionary in helping you to realize the potential of your relationship and offer tips and guidelines for achieving this potential.  A relationship coach often has extensive education in human development or communication and they utilize their educational background to help to enhance your relationship.  Relationship coaches are tasked with instilling the skills necessary to produce a more fulfilling relationship and they often do this through listening to your understanding of the problem, observing the couple in action and creating a customized plan of action for the couple.  This article will outline the basic functions of a relationship coach and how they can be beneficial in a relationship.

The first step that a relationship coach will often take is to listen to a couple’s complaints about the relationship.  While the couple may not be seeing the full problem, their understanding of the existing issues is often a good starting point for a relationship coach to begin her evaluation.  It is important that in your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you bring up all of the problems you see with the relationship.  While you and your partner may have already discussed these issues at length, your relationship coach needs to hear these issues so that she can be sure to make an effort to observe these issues in the next stage of the process.  Being open and honest with your relationship coach about your perception of the problem is crucial to receiving a benefit from the use of a relationship coach.  Trying to hide certain issues or neglecting to mention them does not give the relationship coach an accurate representation of your relationship.  Furthermore it can be detrimental because if you neglect to mention a particular issue your relationship coach may be inclined to believe that you are satisfied with this aspect of your relationship and may not work to make improvements in this area.  In your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you will have the opportunity to offer your take on the relationship and let the coach know what you think is working and what needs improvement.

After the initial consultation a relationship coach will often take some time to evaluate the couple’s relationship through observation.  They may come into the couple’s lives on a daily basis and ask them to act normally while they observe the way that the couple interacts.  This step is very important because it gives the relationship coach a chance to determine whether or not the couple’s self assessment of their relationship is accurate.  The couple may have their own beliefs about why an aspect of their relationship is dysfunctional but through careful observation the relationship coach may determine that the source of the problem is very different from the couple’s perception.  While a relationship coach may be able to determine the problems in a couple’s relationship through observation, this is only possibly if the couple makes an honest effort to act naturally during this observation period.  If the couple tries to fix their own problems during this phase and does not act naturally it will be difficult for the relationship coach to form a valid opinion about the way the couple interacts.

Once a relationship coach has had the opportunity to meet with the couple and spend some time observing their interactions they will be able to design a customized plan of action for enhancing the relationship and working to improve troubled areas.  The relationship coach will often offer exercises for the couple that will help them to see what they are doing wrong in the relationship and how these discrepancies can be fixed.  These exercises may involve either role playing activities that address everyday situations the couple faces or tips for communicating in stressful situations when they arise.  These exercises may also offer ways for the couple to learn to communicate in new ways for all situations not just those that place stress on the relationship.  While the exercises prescribed by the relationship coach may sound either too complicated or too simplistic, it is important to remember that these exercises won’t help your relationship unless you are willing to give them a try.
Finally it is important to realize when relationship coaching will be effective in a relationship.  The general rule of thumb is that if you are considering enlisting the help of a relationship coach, then they will most likely be able to help your relationship.  The simple fact that you are considering a relationship coach demonstrates that you have faith in your relationship and are willing to work to improve the relationship.  If you have never heard of relationship coaches and a friend or relative suggests one and your attitude is that they won’t be able to help you that that is an indication that you have already given up on the relationship and in this scenario a relationship coach will most likely not be able to help your relationship.  The use of a relationship coach is most effective when at least one but preferably both of the partners are committed to doing whatever it takes to salvage the relationship.

relationship coaches may not be for everyone or every relationship but they can be critical in enhancing a relationship in some situations.  It is important to realize that relationship coaches can not solve all of your problems but they can offer you solutions for some problems and exercises for working on these problems.  If you are willing to put an honest effort into solving some of the problems in your relationship then you may greatly benefit from the advice of a relationship coach.

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Movie buff that I am, you might think that I am very into the Oscars®. And, in a way, I am. I’m very into chortling with disgust at the crappy films that get nominated. I’m very likely to roll my eyes, sigh and otherwise express dismay at the kinds of things that win. Titanic? Shakespeare in love? Please. I’m all for entertainment, pretty faces and high production values. But I also value humor, honesty and good dialogue. These things are often sadly lacking in Oscar® winners.

Last night, C-Money sent an email to a group of us with a link to this years Oscar® nominees:
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

I have only seen one of these, Good Night, and Good Luck. It’s especially surprising given the relatively high quality of the group.

Dr. J said I needed to get busy.

The Animal wrote, “Wow, when’s the last time you’ve only seen one of the nominees?”

I wondered the same thing. I decided to check. Here is my track record for Best Picture for the past five years (* indicates the winner):

So, when was the last time I’d only seen one of the Best Picture nominees–ever? I checked the records all the way back to 1927, the first year Academy Awards® were given. From 1929/1930 to the present, I’ve seen at least one of each group of nominated pictures. From 1944 on only five pictures a year were nominated. Of those, I have never seen fewer than three of the five nominated films.

Of course, this is a little silly, because I’ve seen more than two-thirds of these pictures years after their original release dates–including the ones released after I was born. But the answer to, “when was the last time you’ve only seen one of the nominees?” is, “never.” There are twenty-three years where I’ve seen all five nominees. Of all 77 years, I’ve seen 73% of the nominees. Wow. I knew I was a movie buff, but if there is such a thing as proof, I think this may be it.

I was going to show you the data, but it’s a bit too tedious. My source was the official Academy database. It’s impressive, but, unfortunately, doesn’t output the data in a very useful format. Fun stuff, though.

Those of you who didn’t think I liked numbers may have to revise that opinion now.

Grateful for: the motion picture.
Drop me a line.